So, I often get the feeling that people don’t know the real me. Often, I’m not sure I know the real me. I act one way alone, one way in front of girls, and another way in front of guys. So I’m going to attempt to write down the real me.  I’m just going to figure this out as I go along, so bear with me.

My name is Ben. I grew up in a judgmental and stuck up bubble called Wheaton, IL. With more churches than Starbucks and Mcdonalds combined, it isn’t a very easy place to live. I grew up with serious issues as far as friends go. I would make a friend one year, and the next year they would move away or switch schools. So, I have abandonment issues with friends. I was always outgoing, and grew up watching tv. For quite a while, I lived my life like a sitcom. Pretty much stealing quotes from shows like boy meets world and what not. I grew out of that. I have two sisters, and mostly girl cousins. I am, for the most part, more comfortable around girls than I am guys. I am not exactly great with girls, I just try to be chivalrous and kind, but I don’t think very much of myself as far as looks go. But I know looks definitely aren’t everything. As of right now, I have had two girlfriends in my life. The first one was a mistake, as we were good friends, and now we don’t talk anymore. The second one, I rushed into the relationship way too fast, and it fizzled out. Right now, I’m interested in a girl, in which nothing can happen. I am old fashioned, and believe that girls should be courted, rather than dated. By that, I mean you are friends with a girl first, and work into the relationship, rather than just going right into it and seeing what happens. I believe chivalry is a requirement, and that it is sad that chivalry often makes girls uncomfortable. I have issues with my sisters, and my parents. If you want to hear about them, just ask me. I’m not gonna get into it here. I’m a hardcore Jesus freak. I try to center my life around him. I’m a dog person, cats are nasty. Straight up. I try too hard around people, and feel very self conscious. I make too many jokes, and I’m pretty sure people get sick of it, real quick. When I have had a girlfriend, we never talked about anything serious. We never argued, never had any problems up until we broke up. Again, I try too hard and am too sickeningly sweet. I believe that girls, whether girlfriend, or just female friend should be told every day they are beautiful. I have a goal that when I have a job, every time I get a paycheck, I would by half a dozen roses, and hand them out to random girls or women I see, and tell them that they are beautiful. I like to do little things to try and make people’s day, even if I’m having a terrible day, but often, I get the feeling people don’t want to be around me. Which makes me try harder. I was never the kid people asked to hang out with. I always had to do the asking. Doesn’t necessarily mean people don’t want to hang out with me, just means that I’m willing to work harder for a friendship. It quite often that it brings me down, but what ever. Having ADD is a blessing, because it lets me forgive and forget quite quickly.

Well, that’s me. Call, text, comment. I’m going to bed now. God bless all

There is a repeated phrase in this, “spinning faster,” think about it, and you will realize that you feel this too. I was sitting in bed one night, thinking about all this, and I got really dizzy, and started freaking out about everything falling around me, and I was worrying about life too much, when I heard three little words, whispered to me.

I’m tired of exhaustion, sick jokes, crude language, pornography everywhere on t.v., false friends, lies, deceit, being all about #1, selfishness, bullying, favoritism, fashion, fads. I’m sick of it. This is all life seems to be. Our own little world revolves around these things, spinning faster, trying to keep things under your control, spinning faster, greed and worrying about how you look, wondering if people think you’re cool, spinning faster, rushing about, needing the newest, the best, spinning faster, trying to keep your “life” in the little circle you are spinning around, faster, begging for a way out, spinning faster, waking up in the morning putting on a fake face, spinning faster, wearing clothes that are uncomfortable and that you don’t necessarily like, spinning faster, even looking in the mirror you are uncomfortable in the very flesh you wear, disgusted by the imperfections, spinning faster, going to school, your only goal is to catch the eye of that special someone, hoping for a relationship that chances are will not last, spinning faster, heartache not only from that special someone, but from friends who don’t show any feelings for you, spinning faster STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 3 words appear in my minds eye… Peace, be still… and an overwhelming sense of peace surrounds me.